Ted’s Mother

27 October 2017

I saw Ted’s green upturned hat, then saw his boots sticking out from behind a column of the church. When he came into view I said, “Good morning, Ted how was it staying with your mother?”

“It was okay, I got her in to see the doctor. He fixed her up with a puffer and a pump to get the fluid out of her lungs. She’s still as cranky as ever. Did I tell you she smokes from five to eight packs of cigarettes a day. I’ve been trying to get her to cut down to three. It’s hard for her since I smoke too. I should give it up.”

“Did you catch any racoons?”

“No, I didn’t see any around. I’ve got a trap set. I’ll leave it there until the snow falls, then I’ll be able to see if there are any tracks.”

“How long does it take to go to your mother’s place.”

“About forty-five minutes. I take a bus to the outskirts of town then take a taxi from there.

“Today my worker is going to take me to the Salvation Army warehouse to pick out my furniture. They have free delivery. It’ll be good to have a real bed for a change. I get sore sleeping on the floor.

“I was panning in front of the hotel last night and this East Indian guy stopped and gave me a bag of food from a restaurant. It was delicious. I love Indian food. This morning a guy dropped me a twenty. I went to the pizza place and ordered a breakfast sandwich with egg and sausage, home fries and a coffee. I’m still full.

“I met a woman the other day. She’s slept at my place for the last three nights. She’s really nice, tidied my apartment, cooked a nice meal and did the dishes afterwards. It felt homey. I’ve missed that. She’s not like most of the women I’ve been involved with lately.”

“She sounds like a keeper.” I said.

“Maybe, we’ll see how it works out.”

“You didn’t give her a set of keys, did you?”

“No, I’ve learned my lesson there. Richard stayed over one night. I had to kick his ass to wake him in the morning. He said, ‘Just let me sleep a little while longer. Can you leave me a key?’ I said, ‘No way! I’m going to work and you should as well. Don’t bother coming back because I won’t let you in.’

“I’m not going to stay here too long. I’ve got a bitch of a headache. I’ll buy some Advil on my way home.”

 



To  avoid missing posts and promotions, please subscribe using the form at the left. If you have previously subscribed, please subscribe again to this revised site.

Sample my books for free — proceeds feed the homeless:
Gotta Find a Home; Conversations with Street People
http://buff.ly/1SGzGCY
http://buff.ly/1qLHptc
Podcasts: http://buff.ly/1Pxlf9p
http://www.blunttalk.libsyn.com/
http://buff.ly/1XU368M
http://buff.ly/2iYvOE4
http://buff.ly/2jdjZd6

No, I’m Not Going To Split with You!

 

27 September 2017

Ted was reading a newspaper as I arrived at his SIDEWALK panning spoT. I asked, “Are we involved in a nuclear war yet?”

“Hi, Dennis, no we aren’t at war, but it’s coming. That Kim Jong-un needs to be straightened out.

“I’ve been doing a lot of fishing lately, but haven’t had much luck. I hooked a big muskie, about four feet long. The world record is sixty-nine pounds, eight ounces. That was back in 1949. The government has netted some twice that size. They weigh, measure then release. I was drunk and down on my belly trying to grab for him. They have a huge mouth with rows of razor sharp teeth. I was looking down his throat. I nearly had my fingers in his gills, but he jumped and snapped the line. I also caught a big pickerel. facepalm You know that I’m a commercial fisherman. I’m ashamed to even talk about this, but I made the most rookie mistake. I felt him strike, but didn’t set the hook. You know, jerk the line to embed the hook deeper. I started reeling him in. There was a lot of weight. He came straight up from the bottom, opened his jaws and spit the lure at me. Did I ever feel foolish.

“My mother had another racoon. She got my brother to put out a live trap three days ago and he was supposed to check on it regularly. Mom phoned me to say that a raccoon had been caught. I asked her if my brother had taken care of it. She said he hadn’t. I asked if it was still alive. She said that it wasn’t moving. I phoned my brother. I said, ‘You stupid asshole. You put out a live trap three days ago and you didn’t bother to check it. We’ve been having a heat wave. Can you imagine how much pain that animal must have suffered with no shade and no water? That’s the worst way to die and it’s the most inhumane thing I’ve ever heard of. Get over there, dig a hole and bury it.

“My mom also wants me to move a tree for her. It’s about twenty feet high. I remember when it was planted. A trench will have be dug all around and underneath. Roots will have to be cut, then I’ll have to pull it down with a rope, move it twenty feet and replant it. That’s a big job.”

I asked, “Wouldn’t it be better to just chop down the tree and buy a new one to replace it?”

“Yeah, that would be the easy way, but there’s no reasoning with Mom when she gets an idea in her head. I’ll see what I can do.”

“I went to my doctor yesterday. He says I need to lose weight. I know that. I told him, ‘I walk about fifteen miles a day.’ He said, ‘That’s no good. You’ve got to elevate your heart rate, get breathing heavy and raise a sweat. Walking is hard on your joints. You should ride a bike.’ I said, ‘I can do that.’ I rode yesterday afternoon. When I came home my tee shirt was soaking. I’ll have to buy a lock. I had another bike that I left leaning against my building. By morning it was gone.

“The next few days should be good for me. Most of the panhandlers will have gotten their checks and won’t be on the street. I was in front of the hotel last evening with Richard. He had an open bottle of beer in front of him and a bag from the liquor store. People don’t want to see that. One woman handed me a takeout box of Chicken alfredo. It was really good. Another guy dropped me a five. Richard said, ‘I’ll take half of that.’ I said, ‘No you won’t. I didn’t ask you to sit and pan with me, so, no, I’m not going to split with you.”



To  avoid missing posts and promotions, please subscribe using the form at the left. If you have previously subscribed, please subscribe again to this revised site.

Sample my books for free — proceeds feed the homeless:
Gotta Find a Home; Conversations with Street People
http://buff.ly/1SGzGCY
http://buff.ly/1qLHptc
Podcasts: http://buff.ly/1Pxlf9p
http://www.blunttalk.libsyn.com/
http://buff.ly/1XU368M
http://buff.ly/2iYvOE4
http://buff.ly/2jdjZd6

New Batch

 

14 August 2017

“Hi Dennis,” said Ted, “my vodka is still bubbling. I gave it a stir this morning. It’s supposed to be between seventy to eighty degrees. I’m at the bottom end of that, maybe that’s why it’s taking so long. I could get a heating pad. I’ll see how it goes. After that there’s an additive to stop the fermentation and a filter to clear it. My new batch of wine is really good. I took a bottle to my friend up the street. She’s always good to me. There were these other two guys there asking, ‘Can I have one? Can I have one?’ They were loaded to begin with. I said, ‘I’ll sell you a bottle for ten dollars.’ They checked through their change and said, ‘We’ve only got six.’ I said, ‘I’ll let you have this one for six, but next time it’s ten.’ Do you think I did the right thing? I don’t know.

“After that I panned in front of the hotel. There were a lot of guys holding hands and some gorgeous women, but, like a friend advised me, ‘Look for the Adam’s apple.’ Sure enough this woman had an Adam’s apple. I didn’t care, they were handing me fives, twenties, I ended up with a hundred and sixty dollars. I guess that Pride Week starts next week so I got a schedule of the events and I’ll make sure I’m there. Is that okay?”

“I think it’s okay Ted. I don’t see that you’re doing any harm.”

“After that I met a gorgeous woman. She’s thirty-two years old. We went over to my place, had some wine. She asked if I had any drugs. I said, ‘I have some meth.” That didn’t appeal to her so I gave her sixty bucks and she went out and got what she wanted. I don’t know what it was but she was really buzzed. She cleaned my whole apartment. It’s never been so clean. She stayed the night and I’m going to see her again this afternoon. She’s really nice. If I treat her right she might be a keeper. Who knows?”

“I see you have a guitar. Do you play?”

“No, a guy I know was short of cash so I loaned him forty bucks and he left his guitar as collateral. He’s never come back so I’m going to give it to a friend who put me up for seven months. He wouldn’t take a cent for rent.”

“It’s a semi hollow electric bass. I don’t recognize the brand, but it’s probably worth a couple of hundred dollars.”

“I’m not going to sell it. I’ll give it to my friend.”



To  avoid missing posts and promotions, please subscribe using the form at the left. If you have previously subscribed, please subscribe again to this revised site.

Sample my books for free — proceeds feed the homeless:
Gotta Find a Home; Conversations with Street People
http://buff.ly/1SGzGCY
http://buff.ly/1qLHptc
Podcasts: http://buff.ly/1Pxlf9p
http://www.blunttalk.libsyn.com/
http://buff.ly/1XU368M
http://buff.ly/2iYvOE4
http://buff.ly/2jdjZd6

Harrassment

 

 
9 March 2017

When I saw Ted he looked dejected, “I really got myself in shit with my worker yesterday. You know how it is when you meet someone and she’s overweight and not that attractive, but you can’t help having strong feelings for her? I bought this woman a dozen red roses.”

“How did she like them?”

“I didn’t include a card saying they were from me. I sent them to my worker’s boss. My worker said, ‘That verges on harassment.’ I just thought I was doing something nice, giving something to brighten her day.

“Anyway, I have another appointment today. Since I’m being evicted and they’re demolishing my building there are some legal details that she wants to discuss with me. I don’t know why she didn’t just tell me over the phone. I hope she’s not still pissed off.

“I had a pretty good weekend. I watched about 7 dvds. Some of them I watched twice. I don’t have cable service so I buy dvds from the pawn shop. They have good prices.

“I got so drunk on Friday that I couldn’t stand. I had to sit here a couple of extra hours while I got sober. I haven’t had a drink since. This big cop poked his fingers in my face and said he could charge me with panhandling. I said, ‘I’m not panhandling, I don’t have a sign, I don’t ask people for money. I’m just sitting here. Go ahead and charge me.’ I didn’t get a ticket. He eventually just walked away.”

I said, “Bernard used a sign saying I’M BROKE AND SEXY.”

“Yeah, that guy still owes me $200.00, but something funny happened, a little girl came up to me and handed me an envelope with $50.00, so I guess he’s trying to pay me back. You never know about people.”

“Did you hear about the cop who was charged with manslaughter. They had this guy on the ground and the cop kept beating him with his baton. It was all caught on video. The guy died.”

“Well Ted, I’ll let you get back to work.”

 



 
 
 
To  avoid missing posts and promotions, please subscribe using the form at the left. If you have previously subscribed, please subscribe again to this revised site.

Sample my books for free — proceeds feed the homeless:
Gotta Find a Home; Conversations with Street People
http://buff.ly/1SGzGCY
http://buff.ly/1qLHptc
Podcasts: http://buff.ly/1Pxlf9p
http://www.blunttalk.libsyn.com/
http://buff.ly/1XU368M
http://buff.ly/2iYvOE4
http://buff.ly/2jdjZd6

Bear Hunting

 

 
31 January 2017

“Good morning, Ted.”

“Hi, Dennis. I had a good day yesterday, collected about $70.00. Have you heard what Trump’s doing now? He’s building his wall.”

“Yes, I heard that. I can’t see how that is practical. He could use that same money paying for additional border security officers. If he’s trying to keep out the drug cartels they have access to planes and have been using tunnels for years.”

“He’s also going ahead with the oil pipelines. That’s got to be good for Canada. It will provide jobs and perhaps cheaper fuel.”

I said, “A lot of my First Nations friends are upset because it will violate sacred burial grounds and will increase the possibility of oil polluting the land and the water. For some in British Columbia fishing is their main source of income. An oil spill could devastate them.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that as well. I just see it as providing jobs and hopefully, cheaper fuel. I don’t drive a car now, but as soon as I’m able I’d like to buy an old beater to get me around. I wouldn’t mind having the same access to hunting and fishing that aboriginals have. They’re even allowed to spear pickerell in the shallow spawning beds. They also spear more than they can eat. I’ve often been offered pickerel for sale when I’m near a reserve. I only shoot as much as I can eat and I eat every part of the animal. I’ve dragged a 300 pound bear out of the woods. Mind you, I was pretty stupid about it. I’d left my hunting platform and my ammunition. I was watching a bear cub reaching into a container of donuts. There was a roar nearby, a bigger bear was in the area. The cub ran away. A large male may kill and eat a cub. The bear spotted me and came running. I had my shotgun lined up, but instead of squeezing the trigger I pulled it and the shot tore off his front foot. I only had two shots left The three legged bear was enraged and chased me up a hill. I found a crevice in the rock where I was protected. I fired another shot, but still didn’t kill it, only made it more angry. I got out in the clearing and as the bear came closer I took careful aim and brought him down. I’d never leave a wounded animal in the bush. If I had to track him 10 miles I would. Now I stick to bow hunting. It’s more of a challenge and the season is longer.

“I need to get back on my medication. Last night I found myself crying for no reason. I felt foolish. My worker has all my paperwork sorted now, so I’ll be able to go to a doctor.

“There’s a pizza place where I pan in the evenings. Restaurants don’t give food away, something to do with health regulations. At 9:00, just before they close up they walk right past me carrying about ten boxes of pizza and throw them in the dumpster. I wait until they’ve gone then dive in after the pizza. I freeze most of it, so it can last me about a week. I don’t know why they don’t phone one of the shelters, they’d send a truck over to pick up food that would otherwise go to waste.”



 
 
 
To  avoid missing posts and promotions, please subscribe using the form at the left. If you have previously subscribed, please subscribe again to this revised site.

Sample my books for free — proceeds feed the homeless:
Gotta Find a Home; Conversations with Street People
http://buff.ly/1SGzGCY
http://buff.ly/1qLHptc
Podcasts: http://buff.ly/1Pxlf9p
http://www.blunttalk.libsyn.com/
http://buff.ly/1XU368M
http://buff.ly/2iYvOE4
http://buff.ly/2jdjZd6

Shitty, if you want to know the truth!

homeless2

1 November 2016

“Good morning, Leonard. It’s below freezing, how did you sleep?”

“Shitty, if you want to know the truth. I got to sleep okay, but I was freezing by morning. I guess I’m not supposed to talk that way. Most times if people ask me how I’m doin’ I just say fine. They don’t give a shit anyway.”

“You mentioned yesterday that you were expecting a surprise last nighT. How did that work out?”

“The woman told me that she would put up my last month’s rent if I was able to find a place. I went to my bank this morning expecting to find $300. instead I found that I’m in the hole by $70. Welfare must have cut me off.”

“Do you have a worker you can contact?”

“I can never get through to anybody. I may need to get a new worker. There is a two week waiting list for appointments. I talked to a Street Outreach Worker. He told me I had to be registered with the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army won’t help me unless I’m a resident there. I’m not going to stay there. I’d be robbed.”

“I’ve heard that from my friends. Boots were stolen from lockers with a padlock on them. How does that happen? You don’t need a permit to buy a chain cutter. They sell them at most hardware stores.”

“Another problem I have is my shoes. These are leather summer shoes. They aren’t going to do me any good in the slush and snow. My feet are cold right now. If I had a gun I think I’d shoot myself. Mind you, I don’t need a gun, just some rat poison. It would be a painful way to go, but it would be over.”

“Take care, Leonard. There are some people who have your interests at heart.”



 
 
 
To  avoid missing posts and promotions, please subscribe using the form at the left. If you have previously subscribed, please subscribe again to this revised site.

Sample my books for free — proceeds feed the homeless:
Gotta Find a Home; Conversations with Street People
http://buff.ly/1SGzGCY
http://buff.ly/1qLHptc
Podcasts: http://buff.ly/1Pxlf9p
http://www.blunttalk.libsyn.com/
http://buff.ly/1XU368M

26 

Shit Stains

 
bench
 
31 May 2013

Last week the temperature was below freezing (28 degrees F) today it’s hot (90 F) with the humidex reading it feels like 110. Nobody in the park had much energy. Hippo had a bad sunburn on both of his legs.

I said, “I heard of Hippo’s adventures last night. What else happened?”

Joy said, “It was hilarious, I got a phone call from Mariah, she said, “You’ll never guess, but Hippo phoned. He just got out of jail.’ I said, “I’d wondered what happened to him. He was in my apartment, I went out to get some honey garlic wings, when I came back he was gone. I ate four and put the rest in the fridge.

“How can someone, going from point A to point B, end up in jail?”

Hippo said, “It was because of that bitch.”

“What bitch? You mean that crazy Portuguese woman down the hall?”

“No, the bitch cop. Sorry, I meant woman cop.”

I said, “Hippo, you could have been shot.”

“She had her gun out, alright. She said get down. I got down. They put the hand cuffs on and dragged me to the back of the cruiser. That’s how I got these scrapes on my arm.”

Joy said, “I’d rather be shot that tazed. When they get you down they always give you a few extra zaps to increase the pain.

“Let’s back up a bit, Hippo, I don’t mind you calling her a bitch. I got no problem with that, but you chased a woman with a hammer?”

“I guess I did. I don’t remember.” Joy smacked his left sunburned thigh, Mariah smacked the other.”

Joy asked, “How do I know that you won’t hit me with a hammer some time?”

“I’d never do that, Joy.”

“You just keep talking and I’ll do to you what I did to Brian yesterday. He just wouldn’t stop talking.

“Yesterday, you and me went to the bank. You could only get $120.00 out.”

“Yeah, that’s all the bank machine would let me take. We’ll go back today and I’ll talk to a teller.”

Joy said, “You mean go inside the bank, just like humans?”

“Yeah, just like humans.”

“Then we’ll go to my place and finish those wings.

“Before this night’s out I’m going to get your PIN (Personal Identification Number) for the bank machine.”

Hippo said, “What year was the first Harley built?”

“1903?”

“That’s my PIN.

“People always say I’m full of shit, but down a quart.”

Joy was looking beyond the railing into the park, “Jacques, take a look. Doesn’t that dog look just like Harley; you know, Rosie’s dog — big titties Rosie?”

“Ah, yes, I remember her. Harley looked something like that but didn’t have the white on his nose. Also, he was skinnier.”

“I know it’s not the same dog, but the same breed.”

“Yes, maybe you’re right.”

Deaf Donald was sitting beside me. He’s been deaf since birth, so he sometimes has trouble communicating. He said, “I can read lips, you know. Even if two people are across the street I can tell what they’re saying. It nearly got me in trouble one day. I walked across the street and repeated word for word what these people had been saying. The guy got really pissed off.

“I’ll show you. I’ll go over to the fence and you mouth something. I’ll tell you what you said.”

I mouthed, “Hi Donald, are you having a good day?”

“You said, Hi Donald, you’re deaf. Is that right?”

“No, I said, ‘Hi Donald, are you having a good day?”

“You move your lips too fast. Let Joy try it. Say something to me, Joy.”

You said, “I’ve got shit stains on my underwear?”

Joy said, “That’s right. That’s what I said.”

Donald said, “I got news for you. I’m not wearing underwear.”

Joy said, “I’m not sure if I really want to go there, but why aren’t you wearing underwear?”

“Because I’m wearing white pants and I’m clean.

“I have to go for my methadone treatment, but after that I’ll buy some chicken and maybe Hippo and I could come over to your place for supper?”

“That ain’t hapennin’, dude. You’re never coming to my place. I’m down here, dude. Look at me.”

Donald left, Joy said, “That guy gives me the creeps, especially when he does that thing with his eyes. I think he was dropped on his head too many times when he was a baby.”

I said, “He told me that — while his mother was pregnant with him, his father beat her up and threw her down a flight of stairs.”

“Yeah, I heard that. Just before my second son was born, my ex beat me something fierce. The baby was born with a broken leg and two broken ribs. Jay did two years for that.

“I can also read lips and sign. When I was a kid I had lots of ear infections and got a perforated ear drum. I can’t hear with my right ear. It’s handy sometimes even with Donald. I watch his eyes, and can say things when he’s not looking.”



 
 
 
To avoid missing posts and promotions, please subscribe using the form at the left. If you have previously subscribed, please subscribe again to this revised site.

Sample my books for free — proceeds feed the homeless:
Gotta Find a Home; Conversations with Street People
http://buff.ly/1SGzGCY
http://buff.ly/1qLHptc
Podcasts: http://buff.ly/1Pxlf9p
http://www.blunttalk.libsyn.com/
http://buff.ly/1XU368M

bench