Home Brew


26 May 2017

“Hi Dennis, I’ll be getting my new place on Monday. They’ve moved it up a few days. I’ve got roaches where I am now so there’s a lot of stuff I can’t take to my new place. I’ve heard that roaches are the oldest living insect. They originated over two hundred and eighty million years ago. So, they’re pretty tough. I don’t mind them so much, but they spread disease.

“My new place is bigger so I’ll be able to make wine again. That’ll save a lot of money and I can sell some on the side. It’s easy to make and it’s not illegal. I’ve made my own beer. My wife didn’t like that because I’d have guys ringing the doorbell at two thirty in the morning. They’d be yelling, ‘Ted, we’ve got some bitches in the car and we want to party. Bring us down a couple of two fours.’

“Another time I was making my own vodka. I had all the distilling equipment hidden in the attic. I’d send out bottle pickers to get me sparkling water bottles. I’d give them thirty cents a piece. They were happy. I was happy. My room was on the main floor so I’d have people banging on my window at all times of the night. These guys, alcoholics, would be drunk and noisy. They’d shout, ‘Ted, get out of bed you lazy asshole. We need a couple of bottles.’ It cost me a little over a dollar to make and I sold it for ten, so I was making big money. If someone bought more than ten bottles I’d throw in a free one. Other guys would want me to front them because they had no money. I’d tell them, ‘I’ll give you this bottle for free, but don’t ever come by again without money.’

“My landlady didn’t like the noise and had the police come by. They knocked on my door and asked if they could come in. I said, ‘Do you have a warrant?’ The cop said, ‘No.’ I said, I’ll let you come in, but I’ll stay with your buddies in the hallway.’ He went in, saw all the bottles and asked, ‘Ted, are you making alcoholic beverages here?’ I said, ‘Just a bit of wine. There’s no law against that is there? When vodka is fermenting it’s a dark color. It looks just like wine. The cop asked, “Do you mind if we look through your drawers and closets?’ I said, ‘Go ahead.’ They came around a couple of times. After the second inspection where they didn’t find anything they said, ‘We won’t be coming back again.’ If they’d come a third time I could have charged them with harassment.

“My landlady was still ticked off so she invited me for lunch. She paid. She said, ‘Ted, this isn’t working you’ll have to move out.’ I said, ‘No problem. Give me two months to organize my stuff and I’ll be gone.’ ”


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